Club NEVERDIE Short Story of Wonder

[Epictetus]

"Club NEVERDIE Short Story of Wonder"

As told in multiple posts by:
Epictetus


Episode 1: Finding Transport

After a long successful year on the planet Calypso, largely spent losing money and whining, I decided that I was in need of a change. Conveniently, Club NEVERDIE had just been born so I figured hey, what the heck, you deserve it Epic you swell guy. I shook my left hand with my right hand and decided then and there to find a ship and a pilot who might take me to yonder heavens. But where?

I discovered thousands of places where I could NOT find a ship and only a few where I could. Camp Echidna was one of these magical places. Upon teleporting there, I immediately ran into the shop container and began throwing my weight around amongst the ubers of Calypso. I proudly shouted,

"Fly me now or you'll regret it!"

"Hey ugly who are you looking at? Oh me? Okay you wanna go? Oh really? Yeah I didn't think so!"

and

"Buying space ticket!"

Surely one of these fancy pants avatars with a colorful hat and a big gun would be honored to have the great me ride along with them. This somehow was not the case.

[Epictetus]

Episode 2: Plan B

"The heck with you melchi drinkers!" I screamed, and then tried to make my avatar do the "Threaten" emote. Unfortunately, I clicked the wrong button and instead did the "Whee" spin and dance. My macho-ness was gone like a Chirpy on easter Sunday. The ubers all laughed at me and a few called me some really bad names. The day had been a failure.

I ran out of the shop container crying and threw myself on the ground. As I screamed "Why god why!" two pleasant young men approached me – The Ripper and The Creature. They helped pick me up off the ground and said in unison, "We heard you needed a flight." After successfully establishing that they were not robots (since one of them has slightly longer blond hair), I gave them appreciative hugs and demanded that we set off for their hangar. I had ran nearly 300 meters when one of them screamed "Our hangar is on Treasure Island!"

Imagine my shame! I quickly did the "shake your head" emote and ran back. They gave me the coordinates and I was off to Treasure Island!

[Epictetus]

Episode 3: Flying Among Friends and Fornicators

Arriving at the space station, I was shocked and dismayed to see two other people were joining us. But this was my special day with the Ripper and Creature! They didn't feel the same way, moneygrubbers, so they had invited two others to join us.

Their names were ViagraFalls and Lykke – two distinguished avatars from who knows where. Late at night, in the bars across Calypso, I had heard many a soggy tale of the "enthusiasm" with which they shared their love. Now, in plain view, I could see that all of the stories paled in comparison to reality. They simply could not keep their hands off each other! Poor Ripper barely could stop them from "communing with Lootius" long enough to collect their 20 peds for the flight!

I was quick to grab the only seat they had not "snabled" on and had to fight them off. It seems they aimed to be members of the Mile High Club over and over and over. But who can deny love for such eager participants!

I screamed to the pilot that he better take off or else and he did. My eyes smiled when I beheld the awesomeness that was space travel! I mean, who can look at the "black screen with red lettering on it" and not be blown away by the romance of the moment!

[Epictetus]

Episode 4: My Reaction Upon Landing

Finally in the safety of Club Neverdie's docking station, I could open my eyes and let out a girlish scream. The other passengers were not impressed so I told them that I had the medical condition known as Turret's Syndrome. Viagra gave me a nasty look so I told them, "Fine suit yourself we won't be best friends then." I think they were deeply hurt by this and it made me pleased.

We disembarked the ship and I felt a deep sting in my stomach. Was I experiencing second thoughts? Was I missing my society members and friends who I left at the surface? Or did I just eat some bad atrax steak on the way up?

I left it for fate to decide.

Fate decided it was the third reason and I immediately got sick all over poor Creature's shoes.

[Epictetus]

Episode 5: Vertigo

I couldn't hardly stand it anymore so I lept into the air and started to run forward. "Im the king of the world!" I shouted as I slammed face first into thick glass.

"Club NEVERDIE is the other way moron," said Lykke.

"Thank you kind madam," I said as I woozily changed direction while spitting teeth on the floor. At last I was free of the dreadful docking station and I found myself in a room with uncomfortable couches, vague advertisements for nothing and a mystical teleporter in front of me. This truly was an adventure!

I boldly walked forward and pulled up the teleportation menu. There was something about a Main Complex that seemed mildly interesting, so I chose it. I could feel the tingle of my girth as my body disappeared and reappeared in a place that looked like a futuristic dentist's office.

[Epictetus]

Episode 6: The Amazing Marketplace of Wonder

Running down a large hallway of blueness, I entered a gigantic round theater of commerce. This was the fabled Marketplace I had not heard much about! I spend hours running to and fro, and then to again. There was a maze of hallways and rooms and stairways all about and none of them made any sense but I was loving it, simply loving it.

In the middle of this grand place was a series of rings and planets I had never imagined. I spent thirty minutes measuring the circumference the number of heavenly bodies, figuring the degree of incline for each orbital ring, and calculating the rotational velocity of the club. I concluded that this elaborate spinning top had no significance whatsoever, and yet I STILL LOVED IT!

Shaking my head in amazement, I did not notice the female figure approaching my behind quarters. She wore pink underwear and her hair was a glorious grey. She was the Nymph of Nakedness, the Countess of Curves, a veritable Queen of Space and a Keeper of Lost Bras. She was MindStar 9! I bowed and she curtsied, and then I curtsied and she bowed. And then we both did the "Impatient" emote. And then we sat down.

We chatted about many a wonder for the rest of the night, most of which I have no memory of.

[Epictetus]

Episode 7: Is There No End to The Endless Wonders?

After that I ran all around like a chicken with my head cut off.

I saw the Disco, where I danced alone to no music because I could not figure out the intricate Jukebox interface. While I was there, I kept seeing little bits of paper on the floor but I could not pick them up. This caused me to fly into a rage and threaten the Bartender. She responded by not moving an inch. Her face kept its rigid countenance and she bitterly told me "We are expecting a new shipment soon." What a shrew.

I visited the Apartments, where I spent a few nights sleeping in random ones while trying to steal something, ANYTHING, but fate would not allow it. Nothing would budge, not even a small piece of wool. So much for charity in the grand spacey heavens.

I laid down and rolled around in the various hallways and corridors that made up the Club. This proved to be a very unsuitable form of locomotion as I kept banging my head on the wall, so I finally stood up and walked. What a pain.

[Epictetus]

Episode 8: Three Colons, Four Percentage Marks, and A Cool Guy Smiley

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[Epictetus]

Episode 9: The Large Domes Where People Did Stuff

After exhausting all of these wondrous places, it was time to investigate the Domes of Royal Hunting. What a spectacle! This was NOTHING like the places and vegetation where I used to hunt and mine down on the planet. Can you imagine the utter shock I felt when I realized that the vegetation here had a SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT COLOR?! Oh me oh my I still can hardly believe it.

I had some good days and some bad days. A good day would be followed by two bad days, and then three good days would come and then another bad day would come about. The mining would be good, and then bad and the hunting would similarly be good, and then bad, but with a little good mixed in. There seemed to be no set pattern to my experiences and yet again I loved it.

I danced and singed and made blood angels with the corpses of dead monsters. Oh what times! The enmatter flowed like wine and the ore trickled upon me like a box of rough-cut glass.

However, during the second week of my epic adventure, I fell victim to that most nefarious of creatures – the PKer! I believe this was a PK Old Alpha but I hardly saw him before he wiped me out. My long hunt of many days had come to an end and I dropped my head in shame as I teleported into a place called "The Control Room."

[Epictetus]

Episode 10: Thank the Maker! NEVERDIE!

So here I was, revived and ashamed, standing in a circular white room hardly able to move or speak. And that's when it happened…a tall man, wearing a purple coat and hat, stood near me in a confident pose with his hands on his waist. Hoo boy, I thought, this man is important! He glanced around from left to right, like a proud puppy on Christmas morning as if this was his own creation. Light seemed to emanate from his pores and from his eyes. His hands moved with authority and super coolness. I clicked the "bow" emote and dropped to my knees to pay this apparent new god tribute.

He then stepped a bit to the side and behind him stood NEVERDIE!

"Oh thank the maker!" I screamed and dropped down even further to the ground, so that I was literally laying on the ground.

"Rise, son of Adam," said NEVERDIE in an obvious ripoff of "The Chronicles of Narnia."

I stood up and held out my hand. He shook it and ran off. The rest is history.